Relations and All It's Drama

Howdy All! Long time no post! It's been a while... And I think I'd like to just spill all my mind.

There was a question back in my younger days of high school that a friend asked me. How much are you willing to give up for the one you love? Back then, I told them I could give up everything. To me, someone I love was worth more than anything in the world. I wanted the one I loved to be happy... always.

When I broke up the first time, I thought about this question again. Was it true? Could I really give up everything for the one I loved? Although we broke up on bad terms, a part of me was filled with intense hatred! I gave so much of my heart for their happiness... and in return... I received nothing but complete rejection and betrayal. I was really mad and angry... but at the same time... a part of me really wanted them to be happy... I thought that I could really just ignore it... and hope for their happiness... A part of me was willing to do that... but the other... clawed at me and tormented me for all this time... Even to this day... I still feel the sharp scars that dug into my heart...

Much has changed since then... but I have once again been confronted by this same question. "How much are you willing to give up for the one you love?" I have fallen in love with someone that I can never be with. Knowing that there can never be a bright future for me... I tried my best to do what I always thought was the right thing to do. To hope for their happiness is the best love you can give them. This was the ideal answer that I kept saying inside my head. But it is really hard to accomplish. Every day, I suffer the pains of trying to forget this desire to see them. But everywhere are small traces that keeps bringing me back to the happy memories of this person that I have fallen for. No matter how hard I try, I am tormented by the memories. I really wish for their joy and happiness... but seeing their interactions with others and leaving me behind fills me with sadness... The more I see them going out... the more I feel left behind...

I really wish for their happiness... So I have been keeping all my feelings inside... Never wanting... and fearing to tell them. But it is just so painful to hold them in for all this time. I wish these feelings would of love would just fade... But it is something that is easier said than done. I am tempted to tell them... and forever disappear from their life. Never to bother or burden them with my presence. It is very selfish for me to do this... and leave them. But it just pains me so much to live each day feeling the grief and sorrows from something that can never happen...

In the end... I guess I really can't give everything for the one I love... There is always only so much that I can give... before I am worn out to a point of exhaustion. Knowing me... this feeling of love will never leave me... unless if I disappear from the one I love...

Things to add to my Bucket List

Go to Australia and give Dan and James a gnome hug! :D

Silly Lotr Joke

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zllxr1_-CMA

Breaking Down Again...

After all that I've said the previous days... I keep going back to my timid and inferior self... Today I was playing games with friends and I felt like I was feeling really inferior as I am unable to win or anything and that I felt I was being picked on. I am such a failure in that sense... and I get to the point where I am trembling and shaking. I felt like crying...

I told my friends and we had a nice talk... They all said it was good that I told them and such... but I guess I feel like I am just the type of person who doesn't like burdening others. In my mentality... I should always be the one giving out ... cause I am not a person worth their time... I am just a mere person who happens to be there.

In my little world... I find that me helping others is great! But others helping me is something that should never happen, as it is probably a burden for them. I dunno how to get out of this mentality... I know this is how life is... I know that it should be okay that people can help you... but I find it so hard to accept that inside myself... I don't find myself to be someone worth their time... I dunno... This is just another day that's going to pass...

Also... I am feeling quite lame... like I don't fit in all the time... I still wonder how come I'm here really... I guess I really like the company... but I am really afraid of asking for their help... where they would have to do something for me... I am just really scared of facing that... I was always raised never to ask for help from others... as you cause them problems... and I am really confused at what I should really do... I dunno... I'm confused... I need some time to rest... and some time to think about things...

I must become stronger!

Lately... I've been freaking out more than normal in regards to the people around me. I think I have become more afraid and wary of the things around me... when I shouldn't be. Much has changed in terms of my personality lately... I am somewhat sure that I know why I feel this way... but I am beginning to feel that I am becoming a burden on people more and more. This probably comes as a side effect of being afraid and wary of things. Becoming more and more fragile... like a frozen rose... vulnerable and easily shattered if anyone attempts to smash me...

These aren't feelings that I particularly like to have... From a pessimistic point of view, I see giving up as the easiest option... to just leave and hide in my corner... But inside... I don't want to give up... I keep getting these thoughts of giving up... And every time I start to think this way... I am confronted by good people who change my mind... I want to cling to the things I have now. And to do that... I feel I must change... I mustn't be weak... I mustn't give into the weakness that I am feeling now...

I want to be able to stand up tall once again, after having fallen numerous times. I am sure I would break down again someday soon... but I am expecting this... I am going to succumb to the emotions that have built up inside of me...

Although I am saying that I must change to cling to the things I hold dear... I am incredibly scared. I am afraid of change... I am afraid of losing friends... I am afraid of life itself... Too many unaccountable factors fall into play... I am afraid... But... I know for sure... that I must try harder and give it my all to confront the weakness in me.

Sounds crazy for me to write this... but I will read this message in the future as a reminder that ... I may be weak... but I must strive to be stronger. I can't let the weakness claim me... There is too much to give up for staying weak... And there is a lot to gain by becoming stronger... It doesn't matter if people read this or not... It is something I want to declare as my determination. I've had determination in games... It's time for me to change that into determination for real life.

My first attempt to become stronger... is to stop feeling so inferior to others. I am not inferior to any of my friends. We are all free living individuals. Also... I must realize that everyone has their on and off days. Some may be sad at times. Or angry at times. But we are all human... Take and accept life.

Remember Alastor... Reforge thyself in the flames of hell and pierce through the darkness with this edge of searing strength. Find the light...

A Different Point of View

It is funny when life comes at you without notice. Things that you'd never expect to happen can happen at anytime. Just recently, I was unable to keep the calm and cheery front that I normally have in front of others. Something was eating away at me on the inside... and I was letting it get to me. I wanted solitude but it wasn't the best course of action.

After some convincing from them and some blind courage of lemonade... I brought myself to sit down and talk about things. Being as vulnerable as I was in this situation, I found relief. They were willing to forgo games to ensure that I was alright. They were pretty supportive and told me that a lot of things I've done were courageous and admirable. It was very admirable that I'd show my vulnerable side to people... as it is something people rarely do. It also meant that I treated them as friends, showing them a side that would not normally surface.

I do admit that I was very afraid to sit and talk. I have never had friends talk to me when I was stressed out... face to face. This was something new to me... and something I don't find bad at all... I know I can't depend on them to figure out these problems... as they are problems of my own. And it is all up to me to solve. But I do confide in the fact that they were there when I needed someone to talk to.

I have only known them for a short amount of time... but somehow... I do find that I can trust them in a sense. Maybe I will continue to show my vulnerable side more often when the time comes again. Although some of them claimed they cannot be fully trustworthy... I think they are more trustworthy than they think.

The most eye opening thing that night... was when I was apologizing for ruining the night... since they couldn't play games. One of them turned to me and said... "If you were me, what would you have done?" He was right... I would've done the same thing that they did for me... making sure that I was okay. Sometimes... thinking about things from a different view... can completely change your thoughts about the situation.

I thank them all for that evening. I don't know if they will think less of me as I showed them my vulnerable side... but one thing I do know for sure... I have made some really good friends.

Drama of Life

Lately... things seem to be more difficult than usual. A lot of things are changing for me and those around me. I can't really say it's a good thing... but at the same time, it is not a bad thing... I suppose.

I've been staying over at my friends' place, where they gratefully accepted my stay... (which I thank them for!) And from that... my mother has seemingly raged about it for the entire time I've had my stay here. I didn't go home this weekend in attempt to stay at a peaceful place to rest my mind. It's been an eventful week... As a person who always has deep thoughts about everything... I am not in a peaceful state... Much grief is involved... but... I try to hold back a lot of such emotions as long as I am not exhausted from the stress.

In addition... my friends seem to be enduring some hardships of their own...

One friend isn't feeling too well. He seems to be feeling great pressure from life. My high sense of empathy makes me worry about him... But I am pretty sure he will be fine soon. Until then... I can only be a friend that will be there to support him. I'm pretty sure a bright and happy future awaits him, once he finds his way out of the shadows that have been haunting him.

Today... I was messaged by a close friend from my guild. Apparently, during my absence, a great deal of drama has happened to my guild... The current guild leader removed my friends from the guild... despite the many years that my friends have been in the guild. They have been more than just members of the guild, but core people who all have high reputations. However... due to some people seeking to leave the guild... my friends were blamed for this... and removed. It greatly disappoints me... and now my friends are talking to me about what their plans are for the future of this social-game network. So many friends are now splitting up... :( We are probably going to organize a get-together again soon. Hopefully... that one would turn out well, as a few close ones are going to meet once again!

So much drama in life... I can only hope things get better. I am trying to get my life set straight... I don't like change much... but at times... things are inevitable... For myself... I must learn to stop thinking about things that can't be changed. As for my friends... I will do the best I can to be a friend... It's the best thing a friend can do. I think friends are great. They're there when you need them. And since I've experienced the lost of some close friends... I cherish friendship even more...

Life is ever changing... But realize... You will never be alone.

Tired...

So... the week went on rather fast. It was filled with events and homework... I am very tired... and in fact... I think I might have a temperature at the moment. Which is NOT good... I'm working on a project proposal...

Most of my friends are all leaving tomorrow... so I'd be all alone here in Cal-E-Fern-Yah! Lost Angel-Is! :) But atleast everyone will be having fun :) Nothing to complain about! :) Also gives me time to work on stuff during the weekend... except I just hope this feeling of sickness dies down...

Catch you all later!

The second week...

I haven't really had time to gather my mind and post in a while...

Summary of the days and weeks...
Left 4 Dead 2 Lan - sleep over
Project Proposal
Left 4 Dead 2 Lan - sleep over
Boiling Crab
Left 4 Dead 2 Lan - sleep over
Daikokuya - Ramen
Secret Santa - sleep over
Hip Hop Dancing - sleep over
Baking Cookies :D

As you can see... it's nothing eventful at all... ... ... But I can say a few things about the events that happened...

"Black, Black/White, White"
"Boxers, Boxer Briefs, Briefs"
"Fast and Fun"
"That's what she said!"

:) Good times!

The start of school ...

This monday was the start of the winter quarter for classes. It started quite early as I had woken up at 5:45 am to get ready and prep to ensure that I would get to school in a fashionably early (and non-tardy) time. I left my house at 6:15 am and reached campus by 7 am. It was quite a short drive in comparison to my normal drives.

To make things much simpler and more enjoyable, I sum up the day of classes as, 2 hour class at 8 am, 1 hour class after that. 3 hour break. 2 hour class followed by another 2 hour class.

By the time the day was over, it was already 6 pm. Two of my friends were also in my last class, which I had prepared gifts for... :) HEHEH We decided to make sliders that day, and ventured our way to Ralphs to buy ingredients for making the sliders.

We returned to their apt and I gave them their gifts, which I had hidden in a small bag... >: ) When making the meat patties, I was afraid the ground beef was not cooked enough, so I kept overcooking them... Poor dry patties :( They were delicious! :D

After the sliders, they all opened their gifts and took pictures with me :) Thankfully they enjoyed their gifts ^.^ After some small chit chat, me and my friend continued to work on our pushup challenge... which rendered us useless for situps. :) After some car parking and such... I returned to play games with them until 4 am... :)

Ahhh!!! :D What a great way to start the quarter... :D THANKS DW! BRT! MH!!! :D Wooo!! You guys and gal rock!!! :D

Small intro to Fantasy Story

Like all legends, historical events become mere stories for the young. The reality and truth behind them are altered as the legends are passed from one to another.

In the War of Xelos, the races of Tensia allied together to fight the darkness that approached. The struggle lasted much longer than the gods had expected and the sacrifices were great. Some races were reduced to mere hundreds as others lost their rightful homeland. The war had left the world torn and ravaged. The shattered lands remain as reminders of the powerful darkness that attacked Tensia. All of the races must continue to hone their blade and magic to protect their world.

A thousand years have passed since the war. Nations have been rebuilt, but the strong bonds of the races are but a shadow of its ancient strength. Tensia has lowered its guard, and must once again learn to protect itself.

Upcoming changes for the good or the better

As every second passes, the start of winter quarter slowly creeps nearer... Tick by tick I am becoming more anxious and frightened about the upcoming quarter. It is the start of a new beginning... The start of new sets of work... And the continuation of long awaited work. The end of the break nears its end...

Although I am feeling this frustration and fear... I am also feeling relief in knowing that I will be seeing my friends again. :) It will also mean new fun and experiences with friends! :D I can't wait to see them ^_^

Happy New Years to All!!! :)

And now marks the start of 2010! :D Happy New Years to everyone!!! :)

2009 was quite an interesting year, filled with happy times and sad times. Many of the things I've experienced have changed me, in both my social life and the way I think about things. The beginning of 2009 had quite a quiet start. Slowly, through winter and spring, it began to pick up to a happy peak. Then, summer came and it was the drop of the year... leaving me with memories that I will never forget... But, fall came and it was once again a happy rise. This year, I've met new friends and learned new things :) I don't think I'd regret meeting the friends or going through what I've been through.

And to end the year 2009, I had two happy things happen on New Years Eve! :) My friend Boss confirmed with me that we will have dinner next week. And I finally got to run with Beatrice! :D I always wanted to run with her, but never had the chance :) It's a great way to end the year!

For my new years resolution, I only have a few down:
Make good relation with friends :D
Not to lose any friends.
Graduate and find a job.
Learn to become a better person :)


HAPPY NEW YEARS!